3/20: the game changer

wouldn't you agree...

just when everything in your world couldn't get any worse- or if things couldn't get any better, life steps up to the plate and gets thrown a curve-ball. 

BAM- instantly. your universe gets turned upside down. 

you didn't see it coming. never in a million years would you have saw this one. 

even the psychic that you consulted last year at canyon ranch, who you so admirably sought after to have the answers to all your "next years" questions about life, love and of course, work- didn't even mention this would happen.

not that these things are all too new. somewhere- past, present or future- you'll find yourself faced with one of these curve-balls. could be anything really. doesn't even have to happen to you.

all it takes...one second. and everything changes. 

back in november, my sister came home unhappy for thanksgiving. she was going through one of those awful long-term college breakups that never, ever made any sense when it came to why you stuck around...

"danielle, remember when mom said you cant marry someone who doesn't share a similar background?"

yes- my mom had given us loads of these little tid-bits of information while we were growing up- never beat it into our heads or anything...but said things that would make us think for ourselves. maybe not a give and take mentality... but a give and figure out what to do with it ordeal. 

"yeah.."

"well, i don't think me and this boy could ever be together, were just too different. the way he is, we never did that- i would never do that"

it had been a silver lining for her in my mind. she knew this kid wasn't "the one"- (i mean, hell- if the guy forgets to take you to the airport for your flight home, breaks your door down, and constantly criticizes you...GET OUT). its probably what she had been telling herself for some time. but as most of those types of relationships always played out...she was stuck. 

i knew her head was in the right place. all that was left was what she was going to do about it. but she didn't do anything about it. it was off too far in the future to consider at that moment. 

then life threw her a curve-ball.

upon her arrival the next month for christmas, her world squeegeed its way out of being "stuck" for so long. but at a cost- she found herself lost. what became comfortable, familiar, manageable  was gone instantly. this boy had found a way to rip every ounce of life out of my sister. 

a wreck? yeahhh, you could say that. finding strength to hold it together for the 3 hour plane ride back home the night after the breakup threw my mom and i for a loop-hole when we picked her up.

(i can say this, because i've never seen someone not touch their portillos)

it was sad, because i knew exactly what she was going though and i knew how long it would take to figure out how to put the pieces back together, only this time by herself.

the curve-ball wasn't the break-up...it was figuring out how to relive her own life at that moment in time. my sister's curve-ball brought her back to the present to help her realize all the things she could do without being held back. 

for me...well, maybe a little different.

i would be lying to you if i said i wasn't in the best place possible about a year ago. 

not the kind of bad place where you end up the the last 2 people in the news about the metra (which was awful!...never would that happen)

more so the kind of place where you just cant figure it out yet.

nonetheless, "stuck."

over the span of a year, i had managed to find myself in a cluster of wacky occurrences that got me stuck believing one thing so much, that i totally missed reality. i became too cautious, which left me stuck trying to figure out what to do next. i didnt know what i was doing right, if anyone besides my family and friends who could ever understand me, or if i would wind up where i needed to be.

i spent the time worrying about what was going to happen to me in the future that i missed everything good in the present. 

the roles of sisterly advice were reversed as our phone calls became random pep-talks ranging from moving out of the house to finding someone who wasn't going to take advantage of me.  

i moved out of the past and i eventually joined back up with reality. i filed away the bad can kept the good, and threw caution out the window.

i knew exactly who i was, and what i wanted- there was no reason to think anything else. the present was exactly what i needed. so much so that i knew what was going to do about moving out and that i could do away with the boy who wanted nothing to do with me.  

as long as i could remember- i was advised to slow down, not to rush things. the whole "better safe than sorry" cautious approach, or "don't get too caught up" mumbo-jumbo. 

yes, it seems as if i've always kept that in the back of my head for anything. i took risks, yes- but i always outweighed the risks with cautious advice so i wouldn't get hurt. 

taking caution sounded like the right thing to do - felt like the right thing to do- especially the way my life had unfolded in a year

and then the curve-ball was thrown. 

the "proceed with caution" sigh was instantly knocked down in one moment. it seemed that i could not control the true power of my emotions.. for the first time ever, my brain was trumped by my heart. 

it took one day. and after that, i couldn't look back. 

most of us know fairly quickly when something like that happens, in spite of how we're all told we should feel...

that you're suppose to wait, its too soon. that someone will get scared or that maybe you don't feel the same way. that if you wait long enough, something amazing will happen. that if i waited for the perfect moment, everything would work out.

i thought i had it all figured it...

until the universe threw me this curve-ball. 

sure- i could still be cautious, but embracing the fact you've fallen for someone...why should caution ever hold you back? what would be the point of living life if you didn't take those kinds of risks? 

ahhhh- yes, the curve-ball is a life changing experience. and its true that making a big life change is scary. but its even more true that regret is a whole lot scarier.

you can make the argument that "unexpected" curve-balls happen when we become disappointed in our expectations not being fulfilled. like all of a sudden the curve-ball happens and you finally realize, holy shit- what is this? how did this happen? what am i doing? who are you? that's not me?  its seems today people have so many expectations for the future that it clouds the whole idea of the present moment in time. 

because you have been living in the future, you missed what was going on around you...what was happening in the present. you created a picture of what things are suppose to be like. before you know it, you're universe got turned upside down.

not to say that you shouldn't have expectations for your future- you absolutely should. but its only an expectation, its not reality. 

and that thing they call love...it has no expectations, or limitations.

when life throws you the curve-ball you'd do well to embrace every moment of it. whether its good or bad- there's no surprise that after it happens you grow and learn a little more.

but whose to say that i have it all right? if one curve-ball could happen, whose to say another one is yet to follow?  i know i don't, and i will never know for sure. but that's the risk I'm willing to take. its scary, but i would never regret a second of it. 

besides,

if it scares you- it might be a good thing to try anyway.

that is all. 

2/6: lonely hearts club

every time i hit up the doctors office its usually around the holiday.

how do i remember this? well- there's always some sort of stick-ons stamped across the office and windows for the respected holiday. 

so last night i walk into the waiting room. there was a swarm of hearts on the walls, cupids dangling from the ceiling and the receptionist writing with a fuzzy heart pen. next to her was the bowl of flu-infested pink and red m&ms with the saying "be mine" and "i love you"

i actually felt like i was about to enter the tunnel of love at the carnival. check-in was purchasing my solo ticket for the love boat. 

its not a pediatrician i assure you, and definitely not some therapy secession- but every time i go to see this guy- he always asks "so any boyfriend?" (exactly like that...)... "no"

not kidding- months of saying "no" has left me wondering why in the hell you would keep asking, but.. "no there are no men in the suburbs." by now i go into this thing like "yeah doc no boyfriend"  already prepared.

"well, make sure you find someone to buy you dinner on valentines day"

(can you say...thanks?)

"okay"

i cant even get a solo ticket into the love tunnel this year. im flying completely solo this time around. usually that find-someone-to-buy-you-dinner plan would have worked if my dad wasn't dating anyone so i could at least get a card and a pack of chewy sprees out of it

i mean ive only "celebrated" two valentines days anyways- so i cant talk much.

..the carnation on the table of a Culvers over a butter-burger and frozen custard was definitely a keeper.

i could tell the receptionist was excited for valentines day because of the pen, but she also had the radio playing 80s love songs on love.fm (nothing like an 80s slow jam to rock in the holiday)

what is peoples obsession with this holiday anyway?

i only like to think that if your in a relationship you like the holiday, if not- you hate it. 

but lets be honest- a racist free month sure hates on the single people. 

you take all the single people and screw them over for a day. because really- to actually "celebrate" valentines day the way we see it these days- you cant do it without some significant "other"

what happened to the days when we all made boxes and spent the entire night deciding which of the terrible cards were left over at walgreens you wanted to give to your crush the next day? those ones you spent all night signing your name and closing with a heart sticker? the next day you had time to pass out all the cards and would keep an eye out to see if your crush had opened yours yet- just to see his reaction. 

now those were the days!

high school valentines days weren't so bad either. you know- the ones with the guy that you probably dated a month or two before the dance?

i got a greaaat mix tape in my locker on that one. heart artwork and lucky boys confusion! 

(no wonder my mom is still convinced hes the one im going to marry) you cant go wrong with some emo mix-tape in high school. that was your life. 

then you probably had a few downers in there. the "im dating someone else while im dating you" card pulled, so you didn't get to "celebrate" that one.

or that upgrade from the Culvers date a few years later- but he forgot the flowers.

i actually cannot think of one guy that i have dated, let alone other people, who owned up to a girls valentines days expectations. 

im sure to guys- this is the biggest joke holiday. think about it.. you have to give something. not to mention you will probably be showing your face at a godiva shop or victorias secret at some point in your life. (not the ideal i would assume) 

but here's the thing men- no matter what you think on valentines day...your girl is expecting it to be awesome, romantic, thoughtful  sexy, fun, and just about anything else that you don't do on a day-to-day basis. 

oh yeah boys- there's an actual rule to this thing too. you cannot forget at least one of the following: chocolates, box of chocolates, flowers, jewelry  diamonds, a meal, lingerie, a steamy night in bed, dessert, drinks, a bottle of something, a card, shoes- who knows what else!

im sure its familiar- which is why valentines day basically has a make it or break it policy attached to your date. (maybe why people even break up before or after it?)

again- worst holiday everrrr

as a girl who has had some pretty sub-par valentines days...

guys, common- put some effort into it. im going to give a tip for all you guys out there wondering what to do on valentines day so you don't wind up wondering why the hell she questions you the next day...

do something personal. something unique to the two of you. its really not that hard. make it romantic is that's what shes going for. fun if shes more of the adventurous type,  spontaneous, clever. hell, if she doesn't want to do anything just sit and watch a movie with her- but at least try!

(iff you cant do that..you may want to rethink before next thursday...)

but again- most guys suck at this holiday.

its not that girls expectations are too high on this holiday- all we want is our man to show us that were worth the words that hallmark cards and sweethearts put out there. but really, every girl has their own idea of what their ideal valentines day would be like. why not let the guys in on it?

yes- we generally would like to think that guys have the potential to pull a Cruel Intentions and stand at the top of an escalator waiting to say they're in love with you- or that you will open the door and a trail of roses will lead to the bed- i mean, even walking downstairs in the morning, or hearing the knock at the door and BOOM- flowers. or balloons! even a card that tells you how great you are- or who knows, just something to make us actually feel like this holiday is not completely full of shit. 

if you believe the love.fm radio stat that "if you haven't been dating for 2 months, you cant celebrate valentines day"...then you're screwed. 

because the world has made valentines day to be the most exclusive day out there- most people are directly wired to think "i cant spend time with someone on this day because i don't want a relationship." fair enough...but wrong. (let me give you another tip guys...don't assume that every girl wants that)

that's why us single ladies have problems having a good time on valentines day- no guy wants to spend this day with you because they're going to think you want more.

so wrong. 

i want to believe that you can "celebrate" valentines day with a no-stings-attached policy. would other people think that? likely not, but that seems to just be the way the world works these days.

yeah, i don't want to be alone on valentines day- no one really does... 

but im not going to be one of those girls who sits at home crying over a bottle of wine and a half eaten box of chocolates wondering why your alone, let alone the group of friends who wind up together talking about why they hate valentines day.

not this year. as a frequent member of the lonely hearts club- im going to take valentines day as any other holiday...

another reason to spend time with the people you care about. relationship or not. 

lets not forget that this is a racist-free month here! all the single ladies and all the single men should find something to do!

i guess i'll take my doc's advice and find someone to buy me dinner...

but then again- id rather find someone to watch Sixteen Candles with over a bottle of wine...each. 

oh- and the fact that its valentines day...well, that's just makes it even more acceptable to visit victorias secret for your no-strings-attached night. 

couples obsession with this holiday...well yeah, we get it- you're in love. 

but lets not rub it into the faces of all the single people who really- only wanted to have a good thursday night like you did. worry free with the feeling that just because you're not dating anyone- those little heart shaped candies tasted just as great and the sex was just as good. that  there was no reason to feel terrible because your boyfriend dumped you the week before, or that your dad is your valentines date. and that hey, i can do just as good as you couples. 

lets give a little power back to those single people who have to deal with couples talking about their valentines day night the next day.

no matter what, you should want to celebrate this holiday. 

why?

valentines day is a day where you choose to show someone that, relationship or not, you care for them enough to not let them be completely alone, even for one night. 

so how do you choose to celebrate this year? 

that's it for today. 

1/3: goodbye past, hello future

happy new year to all!

well...holy-holidays...

if you survived starting your christmas shopping on 12/24, your parents 4:30am battle before they left for the airport, an obscene amount of drinking and dancing, that killer cold/flu you got from everyone in the office, the fact that you worked the day after christmas- maybe on christmas, lack of sleep, and 10+ shots of who-knows-what on NYE...

then you probably woke up this tuesday-told yourself that you're moving out of your parents house, quitting drinking and sleeping-in the whole weekend.

(partially true)

but you actually probably found yourself on the topic of your "new years resolution"

yeah, new years is a little over-rated. but there is something particularly great about it...

everyone celebrates the new year.

-or at the very least, everyone thinks of their new years resolution at some point.

what is it about the end of the year that makes you realize that you need to do something differently next year?

maybe its me- but your strolling along in november, everything is peaches and cream- then by the time you hit december everything goes haywire! like the world wobbles a little more off its rocker than usual.

really though- the amount of things you hear happening just before christmas and new years makes july through september feel like they never happened. december must be the month were everyone moves towns, breaks-up, quits or loses their job, jumps in front of a train, pinches a nerve, or starts a fire in their kitchen attempting to cook for everyone.

pure madness. right?

is this why we put this whole "new years resolution" in place...to destroy whatever happened or didn't happen from the past to create a new slate for future?

a whole lot happens in a year, you know.

you think that nothing happens day by day, until you look back on NYE and whoosh...that was 2012?

nothing really hit it home quite like sitting in a circle with the same people you brought in 2012 with- thinking about where we are today from where we were back in january...at the start of it all.

the crew, sitting in a circle about to play catch phrase. no one had brought up the "what are you up to now" question until that moment. im so happy that someone did...

it was a whole year with and without each other. we had graduated, moved away, spoke once a month- maybe a little more, but only have seen each other on sporadic occasions. it wasn't awkward being back together for the first time in 6 months...in fact- for the amount of things we have all been through since graduation- it felt like nothing changed. (cearly- we were back to playing catch phrase)

how was life right now? well...it was unanimous- everything sucked outside of this. (this circle of friends that we grew-up together with, grew apart from, and came back together to be with)

of course everything doesn't really suck- but at that moment, nothing was greater than being back together.

it was great. everyone was happy. what was better than being happy?

i once read that "if your life is like a research project of what you can expect from this world, any new piece of new evidence makes a difference"

so- with that said, why not take the evidence from our past and apply it to our future. make the past the past.

isn't that what growing up is all about?

whatever your 2012 was, take that and do more with it in 2013. maybe it was your 2012-self that realized that you need to be a little more confident, or that boy that broke your heart did not define who you were or what you have yet to be, that job you worked so hard at only worked you to the bone, that by saying no to everything left you wondering what you missed out on, that you needed to take chances, read more, find a job, work harder, get an A, be a better person...

and okay- maybe get to the gym more.

i look back at NYE night and can only think of one thing i want in 2013...to be happy.

if it's one thing that my life research project (as of 22 years...) has taught me to expect from this world...that if you do what makes you happy, everything in life will be a little bit better.

are you still sitting on the fence about what your new years resolution should be?

simple. all those thing that didn't happen, or did- just not the way you planned in 2012...are yours for the making in 2013.

make it simple, solid- but make it something that you actually will think about 1 year from now and say..

"damn, i made it happen"

there is nothing better than looking back on the past and feeling like the future should be something to look forward to, even if it involves a clean slate.

say hello to 2013- the future, and get out there and make things happen. that is it.