sometimes, when you have big plans for the future- everything starts to move too fast, too soon.
you slam on the brakes.
maybe common sense kicked in and slowed your pace. your conscience counteracted your thoughts. you realized the amount of focus and attention needed to reaching the things you most desired came at a price.
but anything that's meant to last takes time to build, after all... right?
its not to say that your instincts were completely off...maybe there was some aspect of that "big plan" idea that could very well be worth going after.
i had never thought of myself as a selfish person. for the longest time i went by the idea that being selfish cost you your friends and your loved ones. well, turns out its true..
but the cost of sabotaging yourself...now that is something you don't think of.
somewhere down the line we were subconsciously told to ignore being ourselves to make others happy- or even to appear to be happy ourselves. to compromise because "your not the only one in the situation." to lift away your burdens on other people. to bottle up your emotions because no one wants to hear you complain or cry.
i don't think people allow themselves enough time to be selfish...
to not have to worry.. or much less care why two people hate each other or cant get along, why your best friend is mad you didn't call her back right away, why you haven't responded to a text message that begged no response, that you don't have to stick out the things that make you feel uncomfortable, waste your time and effort for someone who will never return the favor, or keep trying to compromise for something that ignites your soul.
i cant tell you how many times in my life i've just sat there and acted "okay" with something when i really wasn't. times i've had to compromise to make someone else feel happy, even though it tore me apart. times where i've watched my own fire be washed out by cold water.
this is the only time i've ever been truly selfish in my life.
selfish in that i'm doing what i want regardless of what everyone has been telling me to do. regardless of what everyone wishes id do. regardless of how it makes other people feel. regardless of whether or not it causes me to be alone forever. and regardless of what other people are going to think of it.
why you ask?
because being selfish made me realize the type of person i am, what i want to do, who i want to be with, what i want to see and how i want to live my life. that no one else has control over my destination other than myself. it made me confident that i can survive the ups and downs of life by myself. that i don't need someone else in my life to feel loved. that i don't need to suck it up because "that's life" or "life it tough, get a helmet." that i'm my own influence. that i can be alone and think, feel, act, sit, see, love, experience, dance, write, create, and build by myself.
being selfish made me grow as a person.
yes, it was my choice to be selfish. yes, i've suffered the consequences.
no, do i regret it.
the world is so watered down by choices. there are unlimited choices and unlimited opportunities for satisfaction - but if it doesn't start with you... you'll be the one at 40 going through their mid-life crisis because you never took the chance to be selfish. you never chose to do something for yourself first.
question my choices more, but to grow...you have to choose to be open to new things and things that scare you. you have to hold onto your principles even when they don't get you the same treatment in return. you have to let things go with hopes that one day they might return. you have to go after the things you want, because they're not going to just happen for you.
and the instant someone closes the door that sets your soul free - take a good look at it.
let nothing hold you back. pave the way for your own westward expansion. do whatever it takes to make your soul sing.
it takes time. i know this. the west wasn't tackled in a day...
but the journey sure sets your spirit on fire.
for now, this is it.
