1/25: how the west is won

sometimes, when you have big plans for the future- everything starts to move too fast, too soon.

you slam on the brakes. 

maybe common sense kicked in and slowed your pace. your conscience counteracted your thoughts. you realized the amount of focus and attention needed to reaching the things you most desired came at a price. 

but anything that's meant to last takes time to build, after all... right?

its not to say that your instincts were completely off...maybe there was some aspect of that "big plan" idea that could very well be worth going after.

i had never thought of myself as a selfish person. for the longest time i went by the idea that being selfish cost you your friends and your loved ones. well, turns out its true..

but the cost of sabotaging yourself...now that is something you don't think of.


somewhere down the line we were subconsciously told to ignore being ourselves to make others happy- or even to appear to be happy ourselves. to compromise because "your not the only one in the situation." to lift away your burdens on other people. to bottle up your emotions because no one wants to hear you complain or cry.

i don't think people allow themselves enough time to be selfish...

to not have to worry.. or much less care why two people hate each other or cant get along, why your best friend is mad you didn't call her back right away, why you haven't responded to a text message that begged no response, that you don't have to stick out the things that make you feel uncomfortable, waste your time and effort for someone who will never return the favor, or keep trying to compromise for something that ignites your soul. 

i cant tell you how many times in my life i've just sat there and acted "okay" with something when i really wasn't. times i've had to compromise to make someone else feel happy, even though it tore me apart. times where i've watched my own fire be washed out by cold water.

this is the only time i've ever been truly selfish in my life. 

selfish in that i'm doing what i want regardless of what everyone has been telling me to do. regardless of what everyone wishes id do. regardless of how it makes other people feel. regardless of whether or not it causes me to be alone forever. and regardless of what other people are going to think of it.


why you ask? 

because being selfish made me realize the type of person i am, what i want to do, who i want to be with, what i want to see and how i want to live my life. that no one else has control over my destination other than myself. it made me confident that i can survive the ups and downs of life by myself. that i don't need someone else in my life to feel loved. that i don't need to suck it up because "that's life" or "life it tough, get a helmet."  that i'm my own influence. that i can be alone and think, feel, act, sit, see, love, experience, dance, write, create, and build by myself.

being selfish made me grow as a person. 

yes, it was my choice to be selfish. yes, i've suffered the consequences. 

no, do i regret it. 

the world is so watered down by choices. there are unlimited choices and unlimited opportunities for satisfaction - but if it doesn't start with you... you'll be the one at 40 going through their mid-life crisis because you never took the chance to be selfish. you never chose to do something for yourself first. 

question my choices more, but to grow...you have to choose to be open to new things and things that scare you. you have to hold onto your principles even when they don't get you the same treatment in return. you have to let things go with hopes that one day they might return. you have to go after the things you want, because they're not going to just happen for you. 

and the instant someone closes the door that sets your soul free - take a good look at it.

let nothing hold you back. pave the way for your own westward expansion. do whatever it takes to make your soul sing. 

it takes time. i know this. the west wasn't tackled in a day... 

but the journey sure sets your spirit on fire.

for now, this is it. 

12/7: recalculating...

i don't consider myself "directionally" challenged...

...at least when were talking about how to drive back to point A from point B. 

driving around i'm usually just keeping my mind occupied with what i'm looking at on the way to/from a destination (a statue at the light pole on that one corner...Wendy's by the stoplight... green door, red car...)

but today, everyone has a phone, and almost everyone has access to GPS.

when first learning the way to a new place you use your phone- listen to the directions given to you by Google and alternate your focus on driving your route and looking at your new surroundings. so by the next time you need to go there- you're certain of your route.

that green door and red car is your Que to turn left. 

sure if you get lost, there's your phone- there to gathering all possible data on your current surroundings, avoiding the dead ends and traffic jams to tell you the best way to your destination. 

recalculating...you are on the fastest route to your destination. you will arrive in approximately 20 mins.  

but what if you don't know where your destination is anymore? or you did... but got lost somewhere on the way? 

i'd like to think that almost everyone has an idea of where they want to be by the end of the week, the end of the year, five years, ten years...

not too long ago i was the working-class newb sketching out my 5 year plan, which come to think of it was really nothing much of a 5-year-plan should be chalked up to be ... move away, move up, make money to survive

5 years later i can definitely say i did those things... but i have a glass half-full feeling...

i never told myself that those were "goals"... and to be completely honest- i never told myself that those were accomplishments...

why??

i hit the accomplishment part of what i set out to do and never once acknowledged it, took time to celebrate, spent time in that moment to focus on the surroundings...i just passed it by. i knew i was going in the right direction the whole time, but i wasn't paying any attention to my surroundings... i was just driving. 

maybe by passing it i missed that right turn at that statue by the light pole on the corner, because i had a solid moment where i realized that i didn't know where i was driving to anymore... 

i finally felt lost. 

i realized i was driving aimlessly though a thick fog for so long. so many things had happened within a year that my focus stopped being on those keys to my destination...people, places, events... everything. 

i put no focus on time... 

the days molded together so perfectly that i swear to you last month was August and i was just getting ready to get my fall boots out. i had a weeks worth of vacation left to plan, time left to take my skis in to get waxed, and it was warm enough to clean out my car from the summer i spent living in it.

now its December. my fall boots have only made 3-4 appearances- i still have 5 days left of vacation to blow - my car has only continued to build up dirt and dog hair- and my skis... well, April's wax/tune-up is still going strong.

my life closely began to resemble those skis... sticky and gashed up from the number of rocks i've hit along the way

i had to hit my own personal recalculate button...something had to change...

unlike the real GPS that weighs in your current surroundings, the best way to your destination and a voice telling you turn left...

this time i am by myself. forced to back track to that green door, red car until i could uncover the next point i need to turn at.

i am currently a banged up pair of skis sitting in my 22-year-old self's body on the first day of work... sketching out my new 5 year plan.

all i can say for sure this time around.. i'm going to remember where i'm headed.

for today, this is it.

11/27: life in slow motion

the day after thanksgiving and i am stuck at the office.

this would have been the day to rearrange my cube, de-clutter. but i actually did that 2 weeks ago when i probably should have been working

i woke up this morning knowing how today was going to go...

watching the clock inch minute by minute until our early dismissal a 1. knowing the only emails i'll end up getting are the automated work emails and the ones from groupon telling me there's a sweet deal somewhere. walking laps around the kitchen...talking with the few souls who didn't schedule off the day after thanksgiving quick enough. oh man, web surfing for 2 hours and realizing that you already read through all your "go-to" websites.. (shit, wheres that netflix password)

i've been trying to take my mind off some things but its been really hard this past week 

...like trying to wipe things from your mind, but finding yourself inadvertently hit with the news of where you stand now- which becomes a whole lot more painful that you pictured it. it swells your head with mini flashbacks. it swells your heart even more with sadness.

great, stuck with a head full of thoughts sitting at my office..

nothing sounded worse than rushing to get to work with your mind to contemplate for 5 hours

overnight the snow had fallen enough to cover the cars with white tops. the streets were empty enough that the roads still carried the snow in the tire tracks. it was still dark out when my morning began

i watched the sky get lighter...and i kept thinking...

alright, i need to stop... now.

i had 2 wild animals i call "the dogs" eagerly waiting for their morning park time. they had watched me stare out the window and think long enough! i could tell they were ready to terrorize that snow by running in circles till the ground shown.

i knew i had past the point of making the early bus to get to work by 8. i also knew that i really should have rushed to get things done quicker since i now sit right in front of our region leader... whatever, no rush to get to my groupon emails. 

the clock told me i had 15 minutes to walk the dogs and leave for the bus. but i thought about it for a split second and said- "no, i'm just going to enjoy my morning." 

the dogs cheered me on

outside the world was quiet and cold. the houses still looked dark- people asleep from their thanksgiving festivities. the dog park that was usually full with the morning commuters was still and untouched.

i stood at the top of the park hill watching the dogs play together... they were so fun to watch. running in circles one chasing the other until the other started chasing the one. 

i stood there and started thinking again...

maybe she was just visiting for the day. maybe its not really like that. maybe..maybe..maybe

my head ran in just as many circles as the dogs before i wanted to cry for thinking about it... 

i noticed the sun had just started to peak out above the trees. i tried to redirect my attention. the world began to slow again. as i stood there and watched the sunrise i noticed the snow...

falling, but slowly. light enough to float through the air. to each their own. the kind of snow that glitters when you walk past it. the sun and sky became a deep orange that glittered as the snow fell past it. above, the rays gave the glitter its own huge. millions of little snowflakes floating, falling ever so slowly to the ground. 

it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. 

for a few minutes the thinking stopped..and i was just in the moment. everything felt calm. everything in slow motion.

a loud "woof" brought me back...its time to go.

i thought about that moment when i got into work as the world started to wake up from its dream. how desperately i wanted to be like those snowflakes, floating through the air. how much i wanted that moment to last through the day...

how if every day could move in slow motion.

but today, this is it. 

11/18: into the abyss

i want to tell you a little story...

a story to put some perspective on a different type of world you probably don't read about too often... 

a couple of years ago i stopped my last post with "a game changer."

well i can tell you what, it was a game changer...

i had met the person i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. the realization was instantaneous- something you read about, but don't think could actually happen to you. someone with the same goals and passions and heck- even wanted to move to Colorado too in a year!

around this time... i was planning on living with my best friends from college who had just moved into the area.

you're thinking - wow... every thing's going great for you! whats up then???

a few months into the relationship and living in the new apartment- things got a little ugly. different lifestyles and spending too much time at my boyfriends place caused a huge rift between me and my friends. i battled some harsh conversations and awkward moments.

as much as i knew it meant the world to them to hang around my place with them and not my boyfriend... it meant even more to me to go to where i felt happiest. 

and that- was the first moment i learned that friendships change. 

it was also at that moment that sometimes you just need to be a little selfish for your own sanity. 

i wanted to say that we worked it out as friends- but we didn't. 

to top it off i had a rude awakening while working for Corporate America...

having heard about my first job through my dad, my coworkers already knew exactly who i was coming into the job. i worked as hard as i could to create my own image but even harder to get promoted.

when the opportunity finally came around- there was no question that the work i had put in would hopefully warrant this promotion. i prepared for months and worked alongside my coworkers to learn everything and anything i could.

on the day of the interview i walk in and was asked 1 question.. "why do you want this job." a 5 min answer later and the interview was over... 

"really?...that was it?"

a few days before the thanksgiving holiday i was brought into her office and told that i wasn't aggressive enough.  i knew she had a long work history with my dad.. but was this her way of getting back at him?

my body stiffened up and i tried my hardest to hold back the hot tears that were about to start streaming down my face.

i wanted to ask her "how exactly do you define 'aggression'"?
(was working extra hours, training, near-perfect work, working on actual projects for this position and meeting with members of all the teams NOT aggressive enough for you?)

but instead i smiled, shook her hand and said thank you for the opportunity. 

she ended up hiring the 3-month-new-hire i trained. i knew how unfair a 5 minute interview was and hiring someone with no experience. maybe he really did deserved it... 

-but the hardest thing to do knowing that... was shake his hand and say "congratulations."

call it Company Politics... or call it a fair match.

either way- i left the office that day with an entirely new outlook on company culture and what it was like to work with people who look at themselves as "the queen bee."

not long after this series of unfortunate events occurred that i realized- i can do better than this...

i knew since graduating college i was headed West. Colorado, Portland, Seattle- anywhere with mountains. i knew Colorado was the place, but it took my boyfriend at the time to make the dream a reality.

i knew that i knew no one there. i was moving in with my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend. i knew that i would have a temp job when i got there. i knew that i was leaving behind my family and everything i grew up with. but i knew i wanted to be in Colorado. and i knew i wanted to be with my boyfriend.

there was never a right time to make the move- we just knew that we wanted to do it. we planned everything to the T. we knew we'd be apart for a few months. and we knew that this was either going to make us- or break us.

a few months i was offered that long delayed promotion from my company, but instead i stuffed my car with anything i could and headed to Colorado.

that summer i enjoyed my new roommates and my new home. i explored everything. i worked the hardest i could to turn my temp job into a permanent one. and i anxiously prepared for my boyfriend to get there to share in this new experience. 

but when he came, something had happened...

[but to understand it- you should know something..

since an early age i knew that my feelings for things always ran a little deeper than others. my parents divorce made me a commitment-phobe and got me struggling to maintain all different types of relationships. i moved around a lot, took time making friends and tended to live with the lows in my life. i bottled up any feeling i could to stay strong and go about the day as a normal kid. by freshmen year in college, more than a decades worth of emotions brought me into a psychologists office with a new label permanently attached to my forehead... DEPRESSION. (which is now right next to ADD and HIGH ANXIETY)

although my mom still refuses to believe it because "its all in my head"- i finally understood why a giant part of me felt so foreign for so long and why somethings were the way they were.

it took a while, but i learned to live with depression. that little black cloud that constantly lingers behind you never really goes away. its triggers are still pretty unknown. but it knows exactly when you don't take your medication. and it always threatens anxiety, loneliness, heartbreak and confusion. the saddest part? no matter how much i can try to ignore it... its always going to be there... that stupid black cloud.

knowing the damage a depressed mind can do to itself is hard to wrap your mind around- knowing what it could do to others scared the shit out of me...]

all of a sudden the dynamic of the home i was living in changed. 2 couples became 5 people. more people meant more differences. my voice in the house felt weak. but my support system felt weaker. 

what i once considered a team effort by me and my boyfriend slowly felt like a group effort. and eventually the group effort overshadowed the team effort. somewhere in time i began to just feel like the odd-man-out...like a nobody. i felt like no one special anymore to the one person who always made me feel the most special.

communication slowly faded between me and my boyfriend. that black cloud grew bigger and bigger in a short time frame. i began to cower in the corner trying to understand why this was happening to me. i made every excuse in the book that i was fine- or was just having a day- or i was tired- or had a long day. the things i loved to do i had no energy for. 

that's when i knew something was really wrong. i let my boyfriend know that something was off- but at the time i couldn't exactly tell what. let alone tell him exactly why i was not feeling special in his life anymore.

i went to talk to my psychiatrist and got my medication changed in hopes to help diminish the black cloud effect and turn some things around, but it took months to get the dosage correct.

this didn't help my relationship any more. for as much as we tired, it just wasn't working for both of us. a break was where we left it.

i moved out and got my dream dog. work became my sanctuary where i knew i could stay busy enough to not think about anything else. 

the months moved on and i learned to live by myself. i remembered some of the things about myself i had once forgotten. i tried to get my inspiration and creativity back by going out and exploring. i learned to be selfless in caring for something else besides myself. i worked on my anxiety and confidence by trying to get out and meet new people. i put all my effort into trying to make the black cloud disappear. 

i knew that time would tell whether or not a relationship was possible with my ex-boyfriend- but i didn't want to drag him along knowing that i didn't know when i would be "better". i knew he'd go and see other people in the future- but i only hoped that i would turn around with enough time to be with him again.

i took trips alone. i put myself in completely vulnerable positions. i met people who helped me understand the good and bad in people. i said yes as much as i could. i took long walks just to enjoy the houses around me. i worked on extra projects at work. i tried to keep my friends close and reach out to my family more. and no matter what i tried to be a better friend to my ex in hopes that we could get back to what we had.

and slowly- i found solitude.

it wasn't until recently that i attempted to be a bigger part of his life in hopes of something more down the road. but the damage had already been done...

he told me he found someone else. it was the moment i had been dreading since we first started dating. i knew it was going to happen and was accepting of it- but deep down it ruined me. to know that the only person i ever truly loved had found someone special enough to tell me about sent my stomach straight to the floor. 

i went home feeling just as lost as i did when my cloud started to roll over a year ago. 
after so much, the final result was anything but my worst nightmare unfolding right in front of me.

soooo why tell you this? what good can possibly come of telling you this literally depressing story?

i tell you this because i've experienced things i never thought i would- because life happens. its unfortunate that it happens in the ways that it does sometimes. you put yourself in positions to grow only to be cut back again and again.

life seems to be a never ending chain of events that can either make or break you, make your best friend your enemy, and away take the things you love the most. its infinite, unfathomable, and yet profound all at the same time.

so whats next?... i'll let you know when i find out.

but for now.. this is it.

3/20: the game changer

wouldn't you agree...

just when everything in your world couldn't get any worse- or if things couldn't get any better, life steps up to the plate and gets thrown a curve-ball. 

BAM- instantly. your universe gets turned upside down. 

you didn't see it coming. never in a million years would you have saw this one. 

even the psychic that you consulted last year at canyon ranch, who you so admirably sought after to have the answers to all your "next years" questions about life, love and of course, work- didn't even mention this would happen.

not that these things are all too new. somewhere- past, present or future- you'll find yourself faced with one of these curve-balls. could be anything really. doesn't even have to happen to you.

all it takes...one second. and everything changes. 

back in november, my sister came home unhappy for thanksgiving. she was going through one of those awful long-term college breakups that never, ever made any sense when it came to why you stuck around...

"danielle, remember when mom said you cant marry someone who doesn't share a similar background?"

yes- my mom had given us loads of these little tid-bits of information while we were growing up- never beat it into our heads or anything...but said things that would make us think for ourselves. maybe not a give and take mentality... but a give and figure out what to do with it ordeal. 

"yeah.."

"well, i don't think me and this boy could ever be together, were just too different. the way he is, we never did that- i would never do that"

it had been a silver lining for her in my mind. she knew this kid wasn't "the one"- (i mean, hell- if the guy forgets to take you to the airport for your flight home, breaks your door down, and constantly criticizes you...GET OUT). its probably what she had been telling herself for some time. but as most of those types of relationships always played out...she was stuck. 

i knew her head was in the right place. all that was left was what she was going to do about it. but she didn't do anything about it. it was off too far in the future to consider at that moment. 

then life threw her a curve-ball.

upon her arrival the next month for christmas, her world squeegeed its way out of being "stuck" for so long. but at a cost- she found herself lost. what became comfortable, familiar, manageable  was gone instantly. this boy had found a way to rip every ounce of life out of my sister. 

a wreck? yeahhh, you could say that. finding strength to hold it together for the 3 hour plane ride back home the night after the breakup threw my mom and i for a loop-hole when we picked her up.

(i can say this, because i've never seen someone not touch their portillos)

it was sad, because i knew exactly what she was going though and i knew how long it would take to figure out how to put the pieces back together, only this time by herself.

the curve-ball wasn't the break-up...it was figuring out how to relive her own life at that moment in time. my sister's curve-ball brought her back to the present to help her realize all the things she could do without being held back. 

for me...well, maybe a little different.

i would be lying to you if i said i wasn't in the best place possible about a year ago. 

not the kind of bad place where you end up the the last 2 people in the news about the metra (which was awful!...never would that happen)

more so the kind of place where you just cant figure it out yet.

nonetheless, "stuck."

over the span of a year, i had managed to find myself in a cluster of wacky occurrences that got me stuck believing one thing so much, that i totally missed reality. i became too cautious, which left me stuck trying to figure out what to do next. i didnt know what i was doing right, if anyone besides my family and friends who could ever understand me, or if i would wind up where i needed to be.

i spent the time worrying about what was going to happen to me in the future that i missed everything good in the present. 

the roles of sisterly advice were reversed as our phone calls became random pep-talks ranging from moving out of the house to finding someone who wasn't going to take advantage of me.  

i moved out of the past and i eventually joined back up with reality. i filed away the bad can kept the good, and threw caution out the window.

i knew exactly who i was, and what i wanted- there was no reason to think anything else. the present was exactly what i needed. so much so that i knew what was going to do about moving out and that i could do away with the boy who wanted nothing to do with me.  

as long as i could remember- i was advised to slow down, not to rush things. the whole "better safe than sorry" cautious approach, or "don't get too caught up" mumbo-jumbo. 

yes, it seems as if i've always kept that in the back of my head for anything. i took risks, yes- but i always outweighed the risks with cautious advice so i wouldn't get hurt. 

taking caution sounded like the right thing to do - felt like the right thing to do- especially the way my life had unfolded in a year

and then the curve-ball was thrown. 

the "proceed with caution" sigh was instantly knocked down in one moment. it seemed that i could not control the true power of my emotions.. for the first time ever, my brain was trumped by my heart. 

it took one day. and after that, i couldn't look back. 

most of us know fairly quickly when something like that happens, in spite of how we're all told we should feel...

that you're suppose to wait, its too soon. that someone will get scared or that maybe you don't feel the same way. that if you wait long enough, something amazing will happen. that if i waited for the perfect moment, everything would work out.

i thought i had it all figured it...

until the universe threw me this curve-ball. 

sure- i could still be cautious, but embracing the fact you've fallen for someone...why should caution ever hold you back? what would be the point of living life if you didn't take those kinds of risks? 

ahhhh- yes, the curve-ball is a life changing experience. and its true that making a big life change is scary. but its even more true that regret is a whole lot scarier.

you can make the argument that "unexpected" curve-balls happen when we become disappointed in our expectations not being fulfilled. like all of a sudden the curve-ball happens and you finally realize, holy shit- what is this? how did this happen? what am i doing? who are you? that's not me?  its seems today people have so many expectations for the future that it clouds the whole idea of the present moment in time. 

because you have been living in the future, you missed what was going on around you...what was happening in the present. you created a picture of what things are suppose to be like. before you know it, you're universe got turned upside down.

not to say that you shouldn't have expectations for your future- you absolutely should. but its only an expectation, its not reality. 

and that thing they call love...it has no expectations, or limitations.

when life throws you the curve-ball you'd do well to embrace every moment of it. whether its good or bad- there's no surprise that after it happens you grow and learn a little more.

but whose to say that i have it all right? if one curve-ball could happen, whose to say another one is yet to follow?  i know i don't, and i will never know for sure. but that's the risk I'm willing to take. its scary, but i would never regret a second of it. 

besides,

if it scares you- it might be a good thing to try anyway.

that is all. 

2/6: lonely hearts club

every time i hit up the doctors office its usually around the holiday.

how do i remember this? well- there's always some sort of stick-ons stamped across the office and windows for the respected holiday. 

so last night i walk into the waiting room. there was a swarm of hearts on the walls, cupids dangling from the ceiling and the receptionist writing with a fuzzy heart pen. next to her was the bowl of flu-infested pink and red m&ms with the saying "be mine" and "i love you"

i actually felt like i was about to enter the tunnel of love at the carnival. check-in was purchasing my solo ticket for the love boat. 

its not a pediatrician i assure you, and definitely not some therapy secession- but every time i go to see this guy- he always asks "so any boyfriend?" (exactly like that...)... "no"

not kidding- months of saying "no" has left me wondering why in the hell you would keep asking, but.. "no there are no men in the suburbs." by now i go into this thing like "yeah doc no boyfriend"  already prepared.

"well, make sure you find someone to buy you dinner on valentines day"

(can you say...thanks?)

"okay"

i cant even get a solo ticket into the love tunnel this year. im flying completely solo this time around. usually that find-someone-to-buy-you-dinner plan would have worked if my dad wasn't dating anyone so i could at least get a card and a pack of chewy sprees out of it

i mean ive only "celebrated" two valentines days anyways- so i cant talk much.

..the carnation on the table of a Culvers over a butter-burger and frozen custard was definitely a keeper.

i could tell the receptionist was excited for valentines day because of the pen, but she also had the radio playing 80s love songs on love.fm (nothing like an 80s slow jam to rock in the holiday)

what is peoples obsession with this holiday anyway?

i only like to think that if your in a relationship you like the holiday, if not- you hate it. 

but lets be honest- a racist free month sure hates on the single people. 

you take all the single people and screw them over for a day. because really- to actually "celebrate" valentines day the way we see it these days- you cant do it without some significant "other"

what happened to the days when we all made boxes and spent the entire night deciding which of the terrible cards were left over at walgreens you wanted to give to your crush the next day? those ones you spent all night signing your name and closing with a heart sticker? the next day you had time to pass out all the cards and would keep an eye out to see if your crush had opened yours yet- just to see his reaction. 

now those were the days!

high school valentines days weren't so bad either. you know- the ones with the guy that you probably dated a month or two before the dance?

i got a greaaat mix tape in my locker on that one. heart artwork and lucky boys confusion! 

(no wonder my mom is still convinced hes the one im going to marry) you cant go wrong with some emo mix-tape in high school. that was your life. 

then you probably had a few downers in there. the "im dating someone else while im dating you" card pulled, so you didn't get to "celebrate" that one.

or that upgrade from the Culvers date a few years later- but he forgot the flowers.

i actually cannot think of one guy that i have dated, let alone other people, who owned up to a girls valentines days expectations. 

im sure to guys- this is the biggest joke holiday. think about it.. you have to give something. not to mention you will probably be showing your face at a godiva shop or victorias secret at some point in your life. (not the ideal i would assume) 

but here's the thing men- no matter what you think on valentines day...your girl is expecting it to be awesome, romantic, thoughtful  sexy, fun, and just about anything else that you don't do on a day-to-day basis. 

oh yeah boys- there's an actual rule to this thing too. you cannot forget at least one of the following: chocolates, box of chocolates, flowers, jewelry  diamonds, a meal, lingerie, a steamy night in bed, dessert, drinks, a bottle of something, a card, shoes- who knows what else!

im sure its familiar- which is why valentines day basically has a make it or break it policy attached to your date. (maybe why people even break up before or after it?)

again- worst holiday everrrr

as a girl who has had some pretty sub-par valentines days...

guys, common- put some effort into it. im going to give a tip for all you guys out there wondering what to do on valentines day so you don't wind up wondering why the hell she questions you the next day...

do something personal. something unique to the two of you. its really not that hard. make it romantic is that's what shes going for. fun if shes more of the adventurous type,  spontaneous, clever. hell, if she doesn't want to do anything just sit and watch a movie with her- but at least try!

(iff you cant do that..you may want to rethink before next thursday...)

but again- most guys suck at this holiday.

its not that girls expectations are too high on this holiday- all we want is our man to show us that were worth the words that hallmark cards and sweethearts put out there. but really, every girl has their own idea of what their ideal valentines day would be like. why not let the guys in on it?

yes- we generally would like to think that guys have the potential to pull a Cruel Intentions and stand at the top of an escalator waiting to say they're in love with you- or that you will open the door and a trail of roses will lead to the bed- i mean, even walking downstairs in the morning, or hearing the knock at the door and BOOM- flowers. or balloons! even a card that tells you how great you are- or who knows, just something to make us actually feel like this holiday is not completely full of shit. 

if you believe the love.fm radio stat that "if you haven't been dating for 2 months, you cant celebrate valentines day"...then you're screwed. 

because the world has made valentines day to be the most exclusive day out there- most people are directly wired to think "i cant spend time with someone on this day because i don't want a relationship." fair enough...but wrong. (let me give you another tip guys...don't assume that every girl wants that)

that's why us single ladies have problems having a good time on valentines day- no guy wants to spend this day with you because they're going to think you want more.

so wrong. 

i want to believe that you can "celebrate" valentines day with a no-stings-attached policy. would other people think that? likely not, but that seems to just be the way the world works these days.

yeah, i don't want to be alone on valentines day- no one really does... 

but im not going to be one of those girls who sits at home crying over a bottle of wine and a half eaten box of chocolates wondering why your alone, let alone the group of friends who wind up together talking about why they hate valentines day.

not this year. as a frequent member of the lonely hearts club- im going to take valentines day as any other holiday...

another reason to spend time with the people you care about. relationship or not. 

lets not forget that this is a racist-free month here! all the single ladies and all the single men should find something to do!

i guess i'll take my doc's advice and find someone to buy me dinner...

but then again- id rather find someone to watch Sixteen Candles with over a bottle of wine...each. 

oh- and the fact that its valentines day...well, that's just makes it even more acceptable to visit victorias secret for your no-strings-attached night. 

couples obsession with this holiday...well yeah, we get it- you're in love. 

but lets not rub it into the faces of all the single people who really- only wanted to have a good thursday night like you did. worry free with the feeling that just because you're not dating anyone- those little heart shaped candies tasted just as great and the sex was just as good. that  there was no reason to feel terrible because your boyfriend dumped you the week before, or that your dad is your valentines date. and that hey, i can do just as good as you couples. 

lets give a little power back to those single people who have to deal with couples talking about their valentines day night the next day.

no matter what, you should want to celebrate this holiday. 

why?

valentines day is a day where you choose to show someone that, relationship or not, you care for them enough to not let them be completely alone, even for one night. 

so how do you choose to celebrate this year? 

that's it for today. 

1/3: goodbye past, hello future

happy new year to all!

well...holy-holidays...

if you survived starting your christmas shopping on 12/24, your parents 4:30am battle before they left for the airport, an obscene amount of drinking and dancing, that killer cold/flu you got from everyone in the office, the fact that you worked the day after christmas- maybe on christmas, lack of sleep, and 10+ shots of who-knows-what on NYE...

then you probably woke up this tuesday-told yourself that you're moving out of your parents house, quitting drinking and sleeping-in the whole weekend.

(partially true)

but you actually probably found yourself on the topic of your "new years resolution"

yeah, new years is a little over-rated. but there is something particularly great about it...

everyone celebrates the new year.

-or at the very least, everyone thinks of their new years resolution at some point.

what is it about the end of the year that makes you realize that you need to do something differently next year?

maybe its me- but your strolling along in november, everything is peaches and cream- then by the time you hit december everything goes haywire! like the world wobbles a little more off its rocker than usual.

really though- the amount of things you hear happening just before christmas and new years makes july through september feel like they never happened. december must be the month were everyone moves towns, breaks-up, quits or loses their job, jumps in front of a train, pinches a nerve, or starts a fire in their kitchen attempting to cook for everyone.

pure madness. right?

is this why we put this whole "new years resolution" in place...to destroy whatever happened or didn't happen from the past to create a new slate for future?

a whole lot happens in a year, you know.

you think that nothing happens day by day, until you look back on NYE and whoosh...that was 2012?

nothing really hit it home quite like sitting in a circle with the same people you brought in 2012 with- thinking about where we are today from where we were back in january...at the start of it all.

the crew, sitting in a circle about to play catch phrase. no one had brought up the "what are you up to now" question until that moment. im so happy that someone did...

it was a whole year with and without each other. we had graduated, moved away, spoke once a month- maybe a little more, but only have seen each other on sporadic occasions. it wasn't awkward being back together for the first time in 6 months...in fact- for the amount of things we have all been through since graduation- it felt like nothing changed. (cearly- we were back to playing catch phrase)

how was life right now? well...it was unanimous- everything sucked outside of this. (this circle of friends that we grew-up together with, grew apart from, and came back together to be with)

of course everything doesn't really suck- but at that moment, nothing was greater than being back together.

it was great. everyone was happy. what was better than being happy?

i once read that "if your life is like a research project of what you can expect from this world, any new piece of new evidence makes a difference"

so- with that said, why not take the evidence from our past and apply it to our future. make the past the past.

isn't that what growing up is all about?

whatever your 2012 was, take that and do more with it in 2013. maybe it was your 2012-self that realized that you need to be a little more confident, or that boy that broke your heart did not define who you were or what you have yet to be, that job you worked so hard at only worked you to the bone, that by saying no to everything left you wondering what you missed out on, that you needed to take chances, read more, find a job, work harder, get an A, be a better person...

and okay- maybe get to the gym more.

i look back at NYE night and can only think of one thing i want in 2013...to be happy.

if it's one thing that my life research project (as of 22 years...) has taught me to expect from this world...that if you do what makes you happy, everything in life will be a little bit better.

are you still sitting on the fence about what your new years resolution should be?

simple. all those thing that didn't happen, or did- just not the way you planned in 2012...are yours for the making in 2013.

make it simple, solid- but make it something that you actually will think about 1 year from now and say..

"damn, i made it happen"

there is nothing better than looking back on the past and feeling like the future should be something to look forward to, even if it involves a clean slate.

say hello to 2013- the future, and get out there and make things happen. that is it.