2/6: lonely hearts club

every time i hit up the doctors office its usually around the holiday.

how do i remember this? well- there's always some sort of stick-ons stamped across the office and windows for the respected holiday. 

so last night i walk into the waiting room. there was a swarm of hearts on the walls, cupids dangling from the ceiling and the receptionist writing with a fuzzy heart pen. next to her was the bowl of flu-infested pink and red m&ms with the saying "be mine" and "i love you"

i actually felt like i was about to enter the tunnel of love at the carnival. check-in was purchasing my solo ticket for the love boat. 

its not a pediatrician i assure you, and definitely not some therapy secession- but every time i go to see this guy- he always asks "so any boyfriend?" (exactly like that...)... "no"

not kidding- months of saying "no" has left me wondering why in the hell you would keep asking, but.. "no there are no men in the suburbs." by now i go into this thing like "yeah doc no boyfriend"  already prepared.

"well, make sure you find someone to buy you dinner on valentines day"

(can you say...thanks?)

"okay"

i cant even get a solo ticket into the love tunnel this year. im flying completely solo this time around. usually that find-someone-to-buy-you-dinner plan would have worked if my dad wasn't dating anyone so i could at least get a card and a pack of chewy sprees out of it

i mean ive only "celebrated" two valentines days anyways- so i cant talk much.

..the carnation on the table of a Culvers over a butter-burger and frozen custard was definitely a keeper.

i could tell the receptionist was excited for valentines day because of the pen, but she also had the radio playing 80s love songs on love.fm (nothing like an 80s slow jam to rock in the holiday)

what is peoples obsession with this holiday anyway?

i only like to think that if your in a relationship you like the holiday, if not- you hate it. 

but lets be honest- a racist free month sure hates on the single people. 

you take all the single people and screw them over for a day. because really- to actually "celebrate" valentines day the way we see it these days- you cant do it without some significant "other"

what happened to the days when we all made boxes and spent the entire night deciding which of the terrible cards were left over at walgreens you wanted to give to your crush the next day? those ones you spent all night signing your name and closing with a heart sticker? the next day you had time to pass out all the cards and would keep an eye out to see if your crush had opened yours yet- just to see his reaction. 

now those were the days!

high school valentines days weren't so bad either. you know- the ones with the guy that you probably dated a month or two before the dance?

i got a greaaat mix tape in my locker on that one. heart artwork and lucky boys confusion! 

(no wonder my mom is still convinced hes the one im going to marry) you cant go wrong with some emo mix-tape in high school. that was your life. 

then you probably had a few downers in there. the "im dating someone else while im dating you" card pulled, so you didn't get to "celebrate" that one.

or that upgrade from the Culvers date a few years later- but he forgot the flowers.

i actually cannot think of one guy that i have dated, let alone other people, who owned up to a girls valentines days expectations. 

im sure to guys- this is the biggest joke holiday. think about it.. you have to give something. not to mention you will probably be showing your face at a godiva shop or victorias secret at some point in your life. (not the ideal i would assume) 

but here's the thing men- no matter what you think on valentines day...your girl is expecting it to be awesome, romantic, thoughtful  sexy, fun, and just about anything else that you don't do on a day-to-day basis. 

oh yeah boys- there's an actual rule to this thing too. you cannot forget at least one of the following: chocolates, box of chocolates, flowers, jewelry  diamonds, a meal, lingerie, a steamy night in bed, dessert, drinks, a bottle of something, a card, shoes- who knows what else!

im sure its familiar- which is why valentines day basically has a make it or break it policy attached to your date. (maybe why people even break up before or after it?)

again- worst holiday everrrr

as a girl who has had some pretty sub-par valentines days...

guys, common- put some effort into it. im going to give a tip for all you guys out there wondering what to do on valentines day so you don't wind up wondering why the hell she questions you the next day...

do something personal. something unique to the two of you. its really not that hard. make it romantic is that's what shes going for. fun if shes more of the adventurous type,  spontaneous, clever. hell, if she doesn't want to do anything just sit and watch a movie with her- but at least try!

(iff you cant do that..you may want to rethink before next thursday...)

but again- most guys suck at this holiday.

its not that girls expectations are too high on this holiday- all we want is our man to show us that were worth the words that hallmark cards and sweethearts put out there. but really, every girl has their own idea of what their ideal valentines day would be like. why not let the guys in on it?

yes- we generally would like to think that guys have the potential to pull a Cruel Intentions and stand at the top of an escalator waiting to say they're in love with you- or that you will open the door and a trail of roses will lead to the bed- i mean, even walking downstairs in the morning, or hearing the knock at the door and BOOM- flowers. or balloons! even a card that tells you how great you are- or who knows, just something to make us actually feel like this holiday is not completely full of shit. 

if you believe the love.fm radio stat that "if you haven't been dating for 2 months, you cant celebrate valentines day"...then you're screwed. 

because the world has made valentines day to be the most exclusive day out there- most people are directly wired to think "i cant spend time with someone on this day because i don't want a relationship." fair enough...but wrong. (let me give you another tip guys...don't assume that every girl wants that)

that's why us single ladies have problems having a good time on valentines day- no guy wants to spend this day with you because they're going to think you want more.

so wrong. 

i want to believe that you can "celebrate" valentines day with a no-stings-attached policy. would other people think that? likely not, but that seems to just be the way the world works these days.

yeah, i don't want to be alone on valentines day- no one really does... 

but im not going to be one of those girls who sits at home crying over a bottle of wine and a half eaten box of chocolates wondering why your alone, let alone the group of friends who wind up together talking about why they hate valentines day.

not this year. as a frequent member of the lonely hearts club- im going to take valentines day as any other holiday...

another reason to spend time with the people you care about. relationship or not. 

lets not forget that this is a racist-free month here! all the single ladies and all the single men should find something to do!

i guess i'll take my doc's advice and find someone to buy me dinner...

but then again- id rather find someone to watch Sixteen Candles with over a bottle of wine...each. 

oh- and the fact that its valentines day...well, that's just makes it even more acceptable to visit victorias secret for your no-strings-attached night. 

couples obsession with this holiday...well yeah, we get it- you're in love. 

but lets not rub it into the faces of all the single people who really- only wanted to have a good thursday night like you did. worry free with the feeling that just because you're not dating anyone- those little heart shaped candies tasted just as great and the sex was just as good. that  there was no reason to feel terrible because your boyfriend dumped you the week before, or that your dad is your valentines date. and that hey, i can do just as good as you couples. 

lets give a little power back to those single people who have to deal with couples talking about their valentines day night the next day.

no matter what, you should want to celebrate this holiday. 

why?

valentines day is a day where you choose to show someone that, relationship or not, you care for them enough to not let them be completely alone, even for one night. 

so how do you choose to celebrate this year? 

that's it for today. 

1/3: goodbye past, hello future

happy new year to all!

well...holy-holidays...

if you survived starting your christmas shopping on 12/24, your parents 4:30am battle before they left for the airport, an obscene amount of drinking and dancing, that killer cold/flu you got from everyone in the office, the fact that you worked the day after christmas- maybe on christmas, lack of sleep, and 10+ shots of who-knows-what on NYE...

then you probably woke up this tuesday-told yourself that you're moving out of your parents house, quitting drinking and sleeping-in the whole weekend.

(partially true)

but you actually probably found yourself on the topic of your "new years resolution"

yeah, new years is a little over-rated. but there is something particularly great about it...

everyone celebrates the new year.

-or at the very least, everyone thinks of their new years resolution at some point.

what is it about the end of the year that makes you realize that you need to do something differently next year?

maybe its me- but your strolling along in november, everything is peaches and cream- then by the time you hit december everything goes haywire! like the world wobbles a little more off its rocker than usual.

really though- the amount of things you hear happening just before christmas and new years makes july through september feel like they never happened. december must be the month were everyone moves towns, breaks-up, quits or loses their job, jumps in front of a train, pinches a nerve, or starts a fire in their kitchen attempting to cook for everyone.

pure madness. right?

is this why we put this whole "new years resolution" in place...to destroy whatever happened or didn't happen from the past to create a new slate for future?

a whole lot happens in a year, you know.

you think that nothing happens day by day, until you look back on NYE and whoosh...that was 2012?

nothing really hit it home quite like sitting in a circle with the same people you brought in 2012 with- thinking about where we are today from where we were back in january...at the start of it all.

the crew, sitting in a circle about to play catch phrase. no one had brought up the "what are you up to now" question until that moment. im so happy that someone did...

it was a whole year with and without each other. we had graduated, moved away, spoke once a month- maybe a little more, but only have seen each other on sporadic occasions. it wasn't awkward being back together for the first time in 6 months...in fact- for the amount of things we have all been through since graduation- it felt like nothing changed. (cearly- we were back to playing catch phrase)

how was life right now? well...it was unanimous- everything sucked outside of this. (this circle of friends that we grew-up together with, grew apart from, and came back together to be with)

of course everything doesn't really suck- but at that moment, nothing was greater than being back together.

it was great. everyone was happy. what was better than being happy?

i once read that "if your life is like a research project of what you can expect from this world, any new piece of new evidence makes a difference"

so- with that said, why not take the evidence from our past and apply it to our future. make the past the past.

isn't that what growing up is all about?

whatever your 2012 was, take that and do more with it in 2013. maybe it was your 2012-self that realized that you need to be a little more confident, or that boy that broke your heart did not define who you were or what you have yet to be, that job you worked so hard at only worked you to the bone, that by saying no to everything left you wondering what you missed out on, that you needed to take chances, read more, find a job, work harder, get an A, be a better person...

and okay- maybe get to the gym more.

i look back at NYE night and can only think of one thing i want in 2013...to be happy.

if it's one thing that my life research project (as of 22 years...) has taught me to expect from this world...that if you do what makes you happy, everything in life will be a little bit better.

are you still sitting on the fence about what your new years resolution should be?

simple. all those thing that didn't happen, or did- just not the way you planned in 2012...are yours for the making in 2013.

make it simple, solid- but make it something that you actually will think about 1 year from now and say..

"damn, i made it happen"

there is nothing better than looking back on the past and feeling like the future should be something to look forward to, even if it involves a clean slate.

say hello to 2013- the future, and get out there and make things happen. that is it.

12/14: statements and logic

assuming that your not in law school or are studying philosophy...

have you ever come across practical logic?

maybe it was in a book you were reading or someone was telling you all the crazy stuff they learned the other day from their philosophy teacher.

so practical logic...it usually sounds funny, looks funny, makes no sense- basically it goes against everything modern english has shoved into our brains, but...there's something about it that pretty much boils down to the truth.

but not just any truth- "logical" truth.

i took an argumentation class once. it was suppose to fulfill one of my gen-eds, but apparently it didn't count for a qualitative and formal reasoning credit, so i had to take logic of arithmetic, which was pretty much the same thing.

two times learning that shit and guess what...i still don't get it.

so i wont be here to tell you logical truth, what assumptions are, if p actually equals q, or what really makes a good or bad argument. pheww.

i guess the reason why i never understood this whole "logic" idea is because there are some things that just cannot be defined by logic, they can only be defined by what you make of them (and because p certainly DOES NOT equal q)

in my argumentation class junior year and i got to this statement in my book. i seriously don't remember the entire sentence, but it read.....something, something..."figure it out and ask for it"

apparently the rest of the sentence was a huge red flag for fallacies but i missed it.

i probably messed with that sentence for an hour- mixing the words around until the sentence was "logical"

on hour 2 i said fuck it and came up with this...

[sentence]..."figure out what you want, and learn how to ask for it"

funny- the statement itself seems logical. not word part specific or whatever, but actually real life practical. logic?

go figure, i get it wrong- only to find out that exact same sentence was in a movie i was watching this past weekend. so im telling myself that if it's in a reese witherspoon movie then its fine.

that statement wasn't all that logically wrong. maybe not to the qualifications of my argumentation theory teacher- but that statement has practical, real life logic.

im almost certain that you've heard this statement before...let the chips fall where they may?

well, seems to me that lately the people i know- not excluding myself on this one at all...they're chips seem to be hurled into space. they don't fall, but they don't land. 

un-logical?

you know what the problem with people in these situations is?

they don't know what they want.

-even if they did know what they wanted, they don't know how to ask for it.

it seems so logical that if you figure out what you want and you learn how to ask for it- things in life would be ten times easier, right?

so why is it that people don't do it?

i wish i knew.

last night i owned up to this little bit of logic that i think to be correct. i knew what i wanted. it wasn't something big, not necessarily small either (hell- it could have been a candy bar) but i knew what i wanted. step one complete. then i asked for it.

here the logical red flag im sure that goes off in your head...how to ask for it?

tricky. this is where most people fail. and when i mean fail, they fail miserably.

obviously every situation, person, event, candy bar is different- so asking for it will vary. do you take a subtle approach? vigorous? caring? hostile? do you ask it in a letter? an email? in person? a text? face to face? over the phone? is it direct? or is it obscure?

nonetheless, you find a way to get what you want. if whatever it is doesn't come to you right away, or down the road...you know what you want and you are trying to find ways to get it.

but what if you cant do anything about it? well, that's not an option.

of course you can. eventually you have to learn to surrender to this unknown chain of events that happen in life.  if you don't you become one of the cowards of the world who will leave it at knowing exactly what they want and not doing anything about it.

if asking for what you want scares you- don't let it. its unnecessary to play down your eccentricities. you set your own expectations, so what people expect shouldn't be a reason.

i wish my teacher could see that little bit of logic i had in figuring out what you want and learning how to ask for it. because if you know what you want and you find a way to ask for it- then you are likely speaking the truth.

you don't beat around the bush and there are no fallacies. its simply just the truth. (logic- eh!)

figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.

that's my C+ average logical advice to all those people out there with floating chips in space, for those truth-seekers and those people who are still trying to bridge the gap of asking for what it is they want.

do it and see what happens. the big things in life will iron themselves out eventually. that is all.

12/3: being 10

remember back when you were 10?

no. what was that...3rd grade?

if you forgot, here are the few words you can probably associate with being 10 years old to get that image back in your head:

double digits. "yay high". kid. awkward. disney channel. limited too. crazy bones. roller blades. space jam. four eyes. lockers. mambo #5.  I-SATS. jell pens. annoying. pony-tails. recess. pokemon cards. the giver. conniving. heads-up seven-up.

all that summed up...why would you ever want to remember when you were 10?

what? no past regrets of trading your charmander card for poneta?

or spending your allowance money on dr. pepper flavored smuckers chapstick?

...maybe it was watching the boy next to draw stick figures that were always battling each other?

making mix-tapes from the radio?

no, of course not- it was definitely rocking out to your first CD ever...Smashmouth.

is it just me, or was 10 just as memorable as years 8-12? you know you lived it, you remember the trends, fads, the kids you liked, your friends, the lunch room, it was all fine and dandy...but you just cant pin-point exactly what you were like or what your motives were at that age.

as much as i didn't really want to re-live being 10 years old- the kid i babysit for made me (that and the $20 cash an hour was enough of a reason to do it)

so friday night i was set to babysit. normally its the good-ole make the kid some dinner, watch a movie, put her to bed, raid the fridge and watch tv until you see lights pull into the driveway. then make it look like you've been reading and the kid went to bed 2 hrs ago instead of 20 mins ago.

but this babysitting trip it was a little different. there was a christmas walk in town and dinner on friday nights was always at Jade Dragon.

(okay...free meal, and being outside, $20 an hr- cool)

we get there and immediately im thinking "get me some egg rolls- im starving!"

the town was packed. everyone had a dog and about 2 kids each. the parents were holding their dogs and drinking but their kids were out terrorizing the main street.

the ice sculptures had been carved and were starting to form large puddles in the street. the kid's train was being driven by a very large, old man while a midget dressed as a conductor was loading kids into the wagons. 

the D.A.R.E. cops all had on these old-school uniforms that looked like something out of a black and white movie. and all the high-school kids (letter-mans jackets in all) went up to them at intervals through out the night to get their two-cent jokes in before driving off to some one's friday night basement party because their parents were out.

oh and Radio Disney AM 1300 was there with 100 girls, probably ages 7-11 huddled around the fence like a would-be justin bieber concert while the parents hung around in the back sipping on their spiked cider. lucky for me- it happened to be right across the chinese place.

here i am, thinking the plan..."lets go get food first and then walk around" 

"no, i need to find someone!!"  (shutdown)

"who do you need to find? theres a line- don't you want egg rolls?"

"i just...need to find someone- lets go"

clearly this kid was on the hunt for someone. i let her drag me in zig-zags through the main street- passing the chinese place 5 times praying she gets hungry so i can eat while also justifying the reason im being dragged around because im "a cool babysitter"

"who are you looking for?"

"just this kid- common"

im taken by the hand and submerged in the justin bieber crowd of 10 year olds all jumping up and down to the Phineus and Ferb theme song being broadcasted from downtown hinsdale via radio disney.

kids these days- they love that show. and you know who else they love- one direction. anyway.

three girls- maybe in their 20s with microphones and high-pitched voices are leading the crowd- "okay, so you know will smith?" "YEAHHHH!" "do you know his daughter Willow?" YEAHHHH!" "can you tell me what willows song is?? that's right, "whip your hair back and forth"!! now, who is ready to whip their hair back and forth? parents? raise your hand high!" 

(4 parents are voluenteered by their kids)

im dead center, in 10 year old heaven- towering over these kids, i am shoved by the kid im babysitting into the "volunteered parents" group.

confused and trying to run out of the group, the radio disney girl takes my hand and brings me up (the parents look at me like im some sort of teen-mom)

"lets here it for the parents!!!!! now, who's ready to whip their hair back and forth???"

after stating our names and what we like to do for fun- we (Kathy, Chad, Donna, Karen, and I) were told to start whipping our hair to the entire song while all the kids were screaming and cheering us on.

ive been embarrassed before. but this 100% took the cake. i had managed to make it onto radio disney on a friday night at 9pm, whipping my hair, back and forth to a willow smith song...how?

thank god Chad took away the show with his buzz-cut so i could get the hell out of there.

"okay, who is this kid- im hungry and you just forced me to go up there- you owe me."

"his name is Matt"

(are you kidding me!!! i walked around town for 45 mins, whipped my hair back and forth to a crowd of 100 kids and parents that i probably work with, and i haven't eaten since 2- all. for. a. boy!!!)

"but i cant find him, so lets just go get food"

she looked pretty disappointed- like all this searching was pointless. i put aside my horrible radio disney experience and my extreme need for food. i thought for a second as i watched a christmas tree dance to the final song of the radio broadcast...

"no- we are finding this kid!"

there is was- the 10 year old motive...getting a boy to notice you. surrounded by the 10 year old determination to find him.

i thought back to being 10- i was the same way. i would have done anything to get the kid i had a crush on to talk to me.

we walked around for 20 more minutes. searching everything from the kids train to the ice sculptures. on the 8th trip past Jade Dragon i put our names in for a table and sure enough- who walks out as we're walking in- the kid named Matt.

shell-shocked and starry-eyed...all she said was "hi" and he smiled back...

and that was being 10 years old.

i guess there are some ages that you forget about. but when you get to experience them now- they're pretty funny. because really, when you were 10 years old...all you wanted was to be noticed and if you did it, you walked away with nothing more than a smile. simple as that.

but please, dont relive them like i did- because you'll end up on radio disney with a free one direction poster and a horrible case of food poising from those fucking egg rolls that you waited all night for.

but- you will be the "coolest babysitter ever"

that's is all.

11/19: holyy-holidays

yes. holy-shit...the holidays.

no surprise- they're back.

if you are like me and have been ignoring 93.9's Christmas music since Nov. 1, hobby lobby's Christmas ornaments on display since Halloween and oh yeah...have just starting telling yourself this morning "what- thanksgiving is on Thursday?"

well...merry holiday season!

while you were sleeping- the hell that is the holidays crept up on you and sprinkled magic fairy dust, allowing you to smell the Yankee holiday candles from Yorktown mall and see the wonderful professional holiday light decorations down the street.

making you somewhat cringe and say "why do they have their lights out already?"

not to mention the carol of commercials that all of a sudden appeared on your TV with warnings that the best holiday door-busters are not actually on black Friday, but on thanksgiving while your eating. not to mention the wonderful Christmas tunes that you hear when your half-passed out trying to watch season re-runs of true-life.

(i do love Hersey kisses- just not as bells wrapped up in red and green foil playing We Wish You a Merry Christmas at 1 am)

don't get me wrong- theres nothing more exciting than family, food, and seasonal festivities that is the holidays. just not the chaos that goes around outside the days of Nov. 22, Dec. 25, and Dec. 31.

for one...thanksgiving. (my all time favorite holiday)

possibly one of the rudest awakenings of the holidays there are.

so you have Halloween- then all of a sudden...BAM, theres a turkey in your fridge, and you open up our garbage to discover all the uneaten candy that's been hibernating in your freezer for the past 3 weeks.

every year (or at least for the past several years) my mom hosts thanksgiving at our house. usually around 20 people, some random guest my mom decides doesn't have family and adopts for dinner, between 5-10 grown men all competing for the best looking mustache, paddle ball, football, and loads of beer. a 2 day event that leaves us pretty pumped for the next round come Christmas, until it actually comes. 

and of course...every year i continue to tell my mom "why do you host thanksgiving, you know it just stresses you out..." (i usually don't get much after that)

the last 4 years being away at school...i guess i kind of forgot what actually goes on the weekend before everyone arrives. well, i kept that same level of stress in mind and made sure i was out of the house all weekend.  why...?

well, let me tell you- my mom's vacuum cleaner becomes godzilla. it starts from the basement and moves it way upstairs, demolishing everything in its path. if there is so-help-us...one speck of dust on the carpet, you better believe that that vacuum cleaner has demolished it. you name it- the vacuum cleaner has conquered it....drawers, the oven, the outside deck, cans of soup, plants...yeah- its been there. 

and if you even think of sneaking into the arrangements of Costco products that are chillin in your refrigerator before the big day- you might get some comment that hints you ruined the appetizers.

by Saturday night- the table is completely set (only to be moved around in the coming days until just perfect) and all the furniture has been moved around to fit the swarm of people that will be there.

i usually scratch my head at the fact that one chair can be moved 8 different times to a different spot of a house and get asked "does it look good here?" (mom, its a chair- someone is only going to sit in it.) or if the screens out of the windows make the house look brighter. (sure?)

my mom is on a rampage to make the house suitable for people who are only going to be thinking- "is the turkey ready yet"

while my mom is out fighting dust and assortments of dinner dishes, im in my room (which surprisingly has not been touched by the vacuum only because its been named a hazardous waste sight, which really only has one or two piles of cloths on the floor).

little do people know, my sister and i make the holidays a game:

seeing who can eat the most out of our thanksgiving tri-fecta, if you ate every one of Nana's fish courses at Christmas, who got what for who, who is going to calm down mom first, tell dad we want to play football instead of eating more, who emptied the dishwasher last, how many times each we are told that god is watching us by our grandmother, if we can recall the last year our other grandmother even came to thanksgiving, and who can hold their sanity by 1am when everyone comes home drunk and starts to play ping-pong.

being kids of a divorce- you have to go through holiday stuff..not once...but twice!

yes. 2 turkeys. 2 family gatherings. 2 Christmas dinners. 2 gift unwrapping. 2 church visits. everything in 2s. it sounds all peaches and cream, especially the 2 presents part- but its not.

this year and last year my dad has thankfully made it simple and stuck to a bunch instead of his version of thanksgiving dinner consisting of individual cornish hens and his flavor of the month (girlfriend's) family dinner..all before 4pm when we go to our moms for dinner. (3 thanksgivings!)

and once you cant fit one more bit of turkey-something in your stomach, thanksgiving has ended. only to be followed by 2 more holidays.

its like a never ending cycle- vicious to say the least. it actually might suck the life out of you (well, if your my mom). but after that, you will spend the weekend recovering- head back to work, school, whatever until you realize...its not over- its just started.

why is that? Christmas. time to get your ass to the mall. because once you have made your final vows that you cannot eat one more leftover- you better believe your mom has already exchanged all your fall stuff for an endless supply of wreaths, garland, Christmas trees, and a 6 man set of Santa's that will creepily look at you on your way to the bathroom, the fridge, and while your watching tv.

your turkeys will be exchanged for holiday ham- or in my dads case, 20 different types of fish. you will race to get everyone something that will cost about 20 bucks each (maybe 40 if you really liked that person that year) and get your dog a holiday bone. you will pray that there will be a snow day, or at the very least some form of snow. you will double check to make sure your stocked up on champagne because morning mimosas are a must, and of course, catch a few flicks on 25 Days of Christmas.

next round of family fun- coming right up.

but don't worry- after that you can unwind. why? because new years eve you will be getting hammered. there wont be a care in the world. you will party all night long- get asked about what your new years resolution is and probably wont remember a whole lot after that cab ride home. you'll wake up remembering telling someone that your awful new years resolution was working out- which wont happen. and like all other holiday's- you will have a horrible hangover. 

you'll be starting off your new year in bed (or on someones floor)- watching tv with a bottle of asprin and water- wondering when your friends will wake up because all you want is bacon.

but no matter what you will be happy. its a brand new year.

take a deep breath right now...because come Thursday- the holidays have begun! have fun all. that is it.

11/8: the great escape

i would like to tell you that at some moment in your life you will have at least one epiphany.

im not religious at all, really- so nothing i say is going to have any correlation with some divine being like they say when epiphanies happen. no- they happen for you- for yourself, by yourself.

with that aside, i do believe that an epiphany is something divine in itself...

its that moment where you finally, after all this time have figured something out.

you have finally found the meaning of something, a path to find that something, or have finally figured out that theres more you can do...

that everything right now...is just not "it"

its a break-through, a realization, an "ah ha" moment, a solution, an innovative idea, a deeper acknowledgment, a discovery, an adventure, a light-bulb that goes off in your head, a "click"

-something, anything that makes you take that one giant leap somewhere, anywhere- suddenly.

it's brought about by something simple or timely, through an occurrence or an experience.
but whatever it is...it brings out some sort of courage, understanding, or great adventure that you never thought you were capable of.

i have had two true epiphanies so far.

my first- was the day after i got back from spain the summer before my junior year in college.

i had spent two weeks visiting family i had never met, and seeing places i had never heard of. places where running with bulls was just as common as being covered in wine. i had no expectations for the trip other than to live vicariously through the movie "sisterhood of the traveling pants"...but without the sister, and without the pants.

it was one of those trips where not going with the flow would have landed me out on the other side of the window, looking in on all the fun.

jumping off cliffs, watching my step brother tackle a bush, passing a fat one around a pool while attempting to throw peanuts in a floating can, being stuck in the trunk of a clown car, the world cup and street riots with waterfalls, long nights, fireworks, people, places, and family- i never looked in on the fun.

i got back- and out of no where- my epiphany.

....i needed to go back. 

right then and there, i didn't care what any one was going to tell me, i didn't know how it was going to happen, where the money was going to come from, if id be alone- but i was going to go back. i needed to. it was something i needed to do for myself. if i didn't, i would regret it forever.

at that moment i had realized that the experience i had just had didn't have to be it. it didn't have to end. it was only just the beginning...

within 4 months of Spain i was back...only in the Netherlands. (i told you, i was going to find a way)

my first epiphany allowed me to take one giant leap into an unknown world with courage i never thought i had. 

so what got me on the topic of epiphanies you ask?

well...one of my best friends told me today she had an epiphany. i knew it was a true epiphany because it reminded me of mine, only a different situation. i asked her what it was...

"well basically, it was: why the fuck am i here. i could be anywhere in the entire world. i could be doing anything. i could be swimming in the ocean right now. or skiing or teaching or something, whatever. why am i trying to start a career? it's not going to happen right now. i honestly think i am better off working in a restaurant in some place where i am really happy and experiencing life, than i am sitting at a computer all day for free and starting a "career." i can come back to my career whenever. i will probably have way better chances if i came back to it rejuvenated rather than plug along with no direction like i'm doing."

and there it was. the epiphany.

the break-through, the light-bulb- the moment when you realize that life is what you make it and there so much more that you can do for yourself. there is a solution. there is a way.

....its the beginning. the start of an adventure. the great escape.

and she found it.

i guess every one's epiphanies are different. maybe they're like snowflakes? the same idea, but no two are alike. nothing short of remarkable to say the least!

if one moment can be the beginning to something new, something huge- life altering and brilliant, wouldn't you say its a divine? maybe.

so here's my questions to you...

if perceptions lead to behaviors, can our epiphanies bring adventure into our lives?

absolutely. i know for a fact that we can make the choice to do anything we want.

to leave the nest, to love, to grow up, to be with the person you want to be with, to travel, exercises, stay in bed, get the job, cut your hair, move to california whatever- we can actually make that choice come alive. that one little epiphany- its sustainable, and ever-deepening.

i realized from my second epiphany i decided i wanted to bring love alive, not simply as a mysterious experience beyond my control but as a living principle.

i figure every ones lives are so different and complex that maybe an epiphany hasn't yet struck- or maybe it has and you can relate to this in some way? remember...snowflakes.

i guess no matter what, if you have or have not had an epiphany- they happen. and when they do, you act upon it.

its a beginning. its the great escape. and its not just "it."

11/1: king of kostner

remember those drives with my dad i was talking about earlier? you know, the on-the-verge-of-death car rides...

well, im going to give you a slight sub-story to those morning drives.

again- you may think im kidding. believe me- i thought it was a joke too. until i actually saw it.

it was the night before i started my job- and really what the hell was i suppose to think a morning drive would be like? a cup of coffee, music, and the beautiful slums of chicago via an open window until smell of broccoli-sewage stated to take over?

besides my dads driving- yeah, nothing too out of the ordinary.

"oh so, yeah- it will be a good drive tomorrow. theres this guy i pass every morning whos boxing with a stick. i call him the "king of kostner"- really cool dude. you'll see him."

(ok?...so im going to pass a statue of a boxer with a stick...is there some sort of story behind this, dad?)

i'll be brutally honest about the Kostner Ave area...its a shit-hole.

by the time you hit the second gas station you might see prostitutes or crack-heads, and extreme loitering outside of the liquor store as if it were black friday and the doors haven't opened yet. there are 3 burnt down buildings, an L stop, multiple boarded up houses, some shady business with barbed wire fences, and some sell-all convenient stores before you hit the highway.

(annnd really- this area isnt even that bad...im just painting the picture since some people have zero idea what im talking about)

so anyway- back to the story.

"the..king- of kostner?" (okay)

"yeah- don't worry, you'll see him"

in my head im envisioning some old 1960s statue of a Mohammad Ali boxer-type, holding a stick with some plaque explaining how he was born in the ghetto and became a star. only being given the name "the king" after he fought off his arch rival the next town over.

...clearly i misinterpreted this "statue" the next morning.

i had just about fallen asleep by the time we got halfway down kostener, dead set on the idea that theres no way im getting up at 5:30am again

"LOOK! THERE HE IS!"

(take me word for word on this...)

outside my window there is an old man- maybe in his late 60s, wearing a vest, some beat up shoes, and holding a staff- not a stick...a staff- throwing punches..giving uppercuts, and ducking to imaginary punches...all while walking along side kostner ave mumbling something to himself.

my dad gives a honk (which i later find out is part of his routine)

he proceeds to look up at my dad and i driving by and waves his Rafikki-like staff in the air, while pointing and shouting something that i would think would have sound like  "what the fuck are you honking at ass-hole"

no- not at all, the windows are rolled up.

"hahah, he does this every day! man, that guy has got to be in some great shape! did you see those moves he was throwing? that's why i call him the "king""

.........................................(aaaa- what....?)

my jaw was dropped. i wish i had a video- because literally me writing it doesn't even do itself justice. its a homeless man, probably on something, holding a staff and throwing punches into the air! every morning, every day, on the same street!

"dad. please don't tell me you honk at him everyday?"

"of course i do- ive talked to him a few times- hes just out here doing this thing"

(there was a slight moment where my train of thought shifted to my dad making friends with homeless people...but then i thought- no way)

well, this morning- i was wrong again.

stopped at a stop light there he was on the corner, boxing his way to the opposite side of the street. (my dad rolls down his window)

"hey! so when are you going to be the champion?" (like it was some ongoing joke between them)

he starts walking closer, still boxing...

"im out here fighting ghetto-trash all day!"

(nooo way- i couldn't tell whether i wanted to laugh- so i just partially dropped my jaw- trying not to look like i had just seen a naked man run across the street)

"well all right, man- you take it easy!"

he smiles, you see about 8 teeth- "you know i will" and he resumes boxing.

for the last 4 months i have watched this man box his way up and down the street, wondering what makes him want to do this every morning, and this was the first time i had heard him speak (yes, about "ghetto. trash") and i couldn't help but think...

man- this guy really is just out here doing his thing.

so i soaked that in for a minute. it was an experience. and i could think nothing else of it. here was a man who yes- may be a homeless Rocky out fighting ghetto-trash on kostner ave... but he did it everyday.

it was his thing and he loved doing it.

...i think that's why they call him "the king"

that is all.