11/18: into the abyss

i want to tell you a little story...

a story to put some perspective on a different type of world you probably don't read about too often... 

a couple of years ago i stopped my last post with "a game changer."

well i can tell you what, it was a game changer...

i had met the person i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. the realization was instantaneous- something you read about, but don't think could actually happen to you. someone with the same goals and passions and heck- even wanted to move to Colorado too in a year!

around this time... i was planning on living with my best friends from college who had just moved into the area.

you're thinking - wow... every thing's going great for you! whats up then???

a few months into the relationship and living in the new apartment- things got a little ugly. different lifestyles and spending too much time at my boyfriends place caused a huge rift between me and my friends. i battled some harsh conversations and awkward moments.

as much as i knew it meant the world to them to hang around my place with them and not my boyfriend... it meant even more to me to go to where i felt happiest. 

and that- was the first moment i learned that friendships change. 

it was also at that moment that sometimes you just need to be a little selfish for your own sanity. 

i wanted to say that we worked it out as friends- but we didn't. 

to top it off i had a rude awakening while working for Corporate America...

having heard about my first job through my dad, my coworkers already knew exactly who i was coming into the job. i worked as hard as i could to create my own image but even harder to get promoted.

when the opportunity finally came around- there was no question that the work i had put in would hopefully warrant this promotion. i prepared for months and worked alongside my coworkers to learn everything and anything i could.

on the day of the interview i walk in and was asked 1 question.. "why do you want this job." a 5 min answer later and the interview was over... 

"really?...that was it?"

a few days before the thanksgiving holiday i was brought into her office and told that i wasn't aggressive enough.  i knew she had a long work history with my dad.. but was this her way of getting back at him?

my body stiffened up and i tried my hardest to hold back the hot tears that were about to start streaming down my face.

i wanted to ask her "how exactly do you define 'aggression'"?
(was working extra hours, training, near-perfect work, working on actual projects for this position and meeting with members of all the teams NOT aggressive enough for you?)

but instead i smiled, shook her hand and said thank you for the opportunity. 

she ended up hiring the 3-month-new-hire i trained. i knew how unfair a 5 minute interview was and hiring someone with no experience. maybe he really did deserved it... 

-but the hardest thing to do knowing that... was shake his hand and say "congratulations."

call it Company Politics... or call it a fair match.

either way- i left the office that day with an entirely new outlook on company culture and what it was like to work with people who look at themselves as "the queen bee."

not long after this series of unfortunate events occurred that i realized- i can do better than this...

i knew since graduating college i was headed West. Colorado, Portland, Seattle- anywhere with mountains. i knew Colorado was the place, but it took my boyfriend at the time to make the dream a reality.

i knew that i knew no one there. i was moving in with my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend. i knew that i would have a temp job when i got there. i knew that i was leaving behind my family and everything i grew up with. but i knew i wanted to be in Colorado. and i knew i wanted to be with my boyfriend.

there was never a right time to make the move- we just knew that we wanted to do it. we planned everything to the T. we knew we'd be apart for a few months. and we knew that this was either going to make us- or break us.

a few months i was offered that long delayed promotion from my company, but instead i stuffed my car with anything i could and headed to Colorado.

that summer i enjoyed my new roommates and my new home. i explored everything. i worked the hardest i could to turn my temp job into a permanent one. and i anxiously prepared for my boyfriend to get there to share in this new experience. 

but when he came, something had happened...

[but to understand it- you should know something..

since an early age i knew that my feelings for things always ran a little deeper than others. my parents divorce made me a commitment-phobe and got me struggling to maintain all different types of relationships. i moved around a lot, took time making friends and tended to live with the lows in my life. i bottled up any feeling i could to stay strong and go about the day as a normal kid. by freshmen year in college, more than a decades worth of emotions brought me into a psychologists office with a new label permanently attached to my forehead... DEPRESSION. (which is now right next to ADD and HIGH ANXIETY)

although my mom still refuses to believe it because "its all in my head"- i finally understood why a giant part of me felt so foreign for so long and why somethings were the way they were.

it took a while, but i learned to live with depression. that little black cloud that constantly lingers behind you never really goes away. its triggers are still pretty unknown. but it knows exactly when you don't take your medication. and it always threatens anxiety, loneliness, heartbreak and confusion. the saddest part? no matter how much i can try to ignore it... its always going to be there... that stupid black cloud.

knowing the damage a depressed mind can do to itself is hard to wrap your mind around- knowing what it could do to others scared the shit out of me...]

all of a sudden the dynamic of the home i was living in changed. 2 couples became 5 people. more people meant more differences. my voice in the house felt weak. but my support system felt weaker. 

what i once considered a team effort by me and my boyfriend slowly felt like a group effort. and eventually the group effort overshadowed the team effort. somewhere in time i began to just feel like the odd-man-out...like a nobody. i felt like no one special anymore to the one person who always made me feel the most special.

communication slowly faded between me and my boyfriend. that black cloud grew bigger and bigger in a short time frame. i began to cower in the corner trying to understand why this was happening to me. i made every excuse in the book that i was fine- or was just having a day- or i was tired- or had a long day. the things i loved to do i had no energy for. 

that's when i knew something was really wrong. i let my boyfriend know that something was off- but at the time i couldn't exactly tell what. let alone tell him exactly why i was not feeling special in his life anymore.

i went to talk to my psychiatrist and got my medication changed in hopes to help diminish the black cloud effect and turn some things around, but it took months to get the dosage correct.

this didn't help my relationship any more. for as much as we tired, it just wasn't working for both of us. a break was where we left it.

i moved out and got my dream dog. work became my sanctuary where i knew i could stay busy enough to not think about anything else. 

the months moved on and i learned to live by myself. i remembered some of the things about myself i had once forgotten. i tried to get my inspiration and creativity back by going out and exploring. i learned to be selfless in caring for something else besides myself. i worked on my anxiety and confidence by trying to get out and meet new people. i put all my effort into trying to make the black cloud disappear. 

i knew that time would tell whether or not a relationship was possible with my ex-boyfriend- but i didn't want to drag him along knowing that i didn't know when i would be "better". i knew he'd go and see other people in the future- but i only hoped that i would turn around with enough time to be with him again.

i took trips alone. i put myself in completely vulnerable positions. i met people who helped me understand the good and bad in people. i said yes as much as i could. i took long walks just to enjoy the houses around me. i worked on extra projects at work. i tried to keep my friends close and reach out to my family more. and no matter what i tried to be a better friend to my ex in hopes that we could get back to what we had.

and slowly- i found solitude.

it wasn't until recently that i attempted to be a bigger part of his life in hopes of something more down the road. but the damage had already been done...

he told me he found someone else. it was the moment i had been dreading since we first started dating. i knew it was going to happen and was accepting of it- but deep down it ruined me. to know that the only person i ever truly loved had found someone special enough to tell me about sent my stomach straight to the floor. 

i went home feeling just as lost as i did when my cloud started to roll over a year ago. 
after so much, the final result was anything but my worst nightmare unfolding right in front of me.

soooo why tell you this? what good can possibly come of telling you this literally depressing story?

i tell you this because i've experienced things i never thought i would- because life happens. its unfortunate that it happens in the ways that it does sometimes. you put yourself in positions to grow only to be cut back again and again.

life seems to be a never ending chain of events that can either make or break you, make your best friend your enemy, and away take the things you love the most. its infinite, unfathomable, and yet profound all at the same time.

so whats next?... i'll let you know when i find out.

but for now.. this is it.