12/7: recalculating...

i don't consider myself "directionally" challenged...

...at least when were talking about how to drive back to point A from point B. 

driving around i'm usually just keeping my mind occupied with what i'm looking at on the way to/from a destination (a statue at the light pole on that one corner...Wendy's by the stoplight... green door, red car...)

but today, everyone has a phone, and almost everyone has access to GPS.

when first learning the way to a new place you use your phone- listen to the directions given to you by Google and alternate your focus on driving your route and looking at your new surroundings. so by the next time you need to go there- you're certain of your route.

that green door and red car is your Que to turn left. 

sure if you get lost, there's your phone- there to gathering all possible data on your current surroundings, avoiding the dead ends and traffic jams to tell you the best way to your destination. 

recalculating...you are on the fastest route to your destination. you will arrive in approximately 20 mins.  

but what if you don't know where your destination is anymore? or you did... but got lost somewhere on the way? 

i'd like to think that almost everyone has an idea of where they want to be by the end of the week, the end of the year, five years, ten years...

not too long ago i was the working-class newb sketching out my 5 year plan, which come to think of it was really nothing much of a 5-year-plan should be chalked up to be ... move away, move up, make money to survive

5 years later i can definitely say i did those things... but i have a glass half-full feeling...

i never told myself that those were "goals"... and to be completely honest- i never told myself that those were accomplishments...

why??

i hit the accomplishment part of what i set out to do and never once acknowledged it, took time to celebrate, spent time in that moment to focus on the surroundings...i just passed it by. i knew i was going in the right direction the whole time, but i wasn't paying any attention to my surroundings... i was just driving. 

maybe by passing it i missed that right turn at that statue by the light pole on the corner, because i had a solid moment where i realized that i didn't know where i was driving to anymore... 

i finally felt lost. 

i realized i was driving aimlessly though a thick fog for so long. so many things had happened within a year that my focus stopped being on those keys to my destination...people, places, events... everything. 

i put no focus on time... 

the days molded together so perfectly that i swear to you last month was August and i was just getting ready to get my fall boots out. i had a weeks worth of vacation left to plan, time left to take my skis in to get waxed, and it was warm enough to clean out my car from the summer i spent living in it.

now its December. my fall boots have only made 3-4 appearances- i still have 5 days left of vacation to blow - my car has only continued to build up dirt and dog hair- and my skis... well, April's wax/tune-up is still going strong.

my life closely began to resemble those skis... sticky and gashed up from the number of rocks i've hit along the way

i had to hit my own personal recalculate button...something had to change...

unlike the real GPS that weighs in your current surroundings, the best way to your destination and a voice telling you turn left...

this time i am by myself. forced to back track to that green door, red car until i could uncover the next point i need to turn at.

i am currently a banged up pair of skis sitting in my 22-year-old self's body on the first day of work... sketching out my new 5 year plan.

all i can say for sure this time around.. i'm going to remember where i'm headed.

for today, this is it.